I Keep Forgettin'
by Jassic M
Summary: Michael McDonald was never a good Friday night companion. Songfic to 'I Keep Forgettin' by Michael McDonald, Will Mac


Will McAvoy wasn't the type of anchor who stayed around after a broadcast - once it was done, it's done and he doesn't stay long unless required.

The members of his team have not yet left; one can practically hear them arguing, suggesting, where their Friday night would be best spent. Neal and Jim insist on the usual bar they visit, Tamara and Tess wanted to try the new, swanky bar a couple of "corners" away from the usual bar. For the first time (perhaps?), Kendra and Gary were in agreement that a restaurant would be a nice change - minimise the damn hangovers that need to be nursed within the weekend, and actually enjoy resting for once. Martin was just looking at his feet, waiting for the final outcome. Near the staircase, Sloan was coaxing Don to join them - he was, in one way or another, part of the family, being Maggie's boyfriend and all. "Brother-in-law!" Sloan exclaims, another attempt at making "the Master of the Dark Arts" feel welcome.

Missing in this picture was Maggie, who, for tonight's broadcast, single-handedly - without causing injury- saved the interview with Secretary Timothy Geithner. (All it took was to reassure the secretary that the one interviewing him wasn't Sloan Sabbith. That didn't mean that Will wouldn't tear him to pieces though.) Will could see Don stealing glances towards Mac's office - so Will assumes Maggie was there with Mac. Whether it was for an invite for a session for a whole day of shopping or a stern lecture on reassuring Treasury Secretaries, Will just let it happen. In his mind, Mackenzie Machale was doing an excellent job of running this ship he didn't know he wanted, but apparently he so badly needed. That's all he wants to know.

Maybe.

His portfolio has yet to be packed up, his jacket, still in the hanger, papers still messed up. Friday nights used to be that welcoming embrace to the weekend; two days of solitude and "me time" that he had yearned during the week. But now, Fridays felt like a huge cockblock for... Everything.

He tries to distract himself by opening up iTunes and hitting shuffle.

The opening beat of "I Keep Forgettin'" plays.

He lights up a cigarette, and closes his eyes. Since when did he find his office a relaxing place?

* * *

_I keep forgettin' we're not in love anymore _

_I keep forgettin' things will never be the same again _

_I keep forgettin' how you made that so clear_

_I keep forgettin' it all_

When he asked Mac if this was all hers, she simply smiled and said, "Happy Valentines day." And the way she said it, the way she was being the sweet, adorable, honest Mackenzie Machale that he fell in love with, made him reach out to her. And when he held her close and hugged her, everything was right in the world.

He hopes Mac thinks it was nothing more than a "thank you". The message - "Thank you for the effort you put up in this Rudy re-enactment, and for being the best damn EP I could ever have in my career as an anchor."

Because it certainly wasn't the "Hey, I miss you. And maybe I still love you.' kind.

Because the hug lasted way too long to deliver the first message. The length would, more or less, convey the second one.

And for those beautiful seconds, the hug felt so, right so them.

Will marvelled at the fact their bodies seem to complement each other. The way her head rested near his shoulder, her arms grasping at his shoulder blades - the familiarity of it all made him want to give back the checks the staff were giving him. This moment, him and Mac, it was worth more than what he gave for Kahled.

When she turned, he felt her smile and he pulled her closer, if it were possible. This was how it was supposed to be, simply for the fact that it felt good and pure; wasn't it these moments that made life worth living?

The first burst of loneliness came back when Mac pulled away. He came back to reality. The moment started to fade when he saw the smiles the crew were giving him. Every now and then, one of the guys would give Will a pat in the shoulder, a small salute, two thumbs up; signs that they were glad to be working with him.

(Or was it more along the lines of "Kiss her you idiot, it's Valentines Day! Don't let her get away this time!"?)

Now Mac was standing beside him, observing the line of men and women giving their share for Kahled. Will could see her trying to control her breathing - and he knows it was his fault. That hug could have been short and simple, but he, _he_, had to etch the moment into his brain. He wanted that moment to happen because - why exactly? To remove that hurtful past between them? To cover up the mistake Mackenzie made? To believe that she was his and always will be his?

If he was racking his brain with the answer, what more was Mac's brain doing now?

This was clearly not the time to over think things.

So he reached out for her again, this time, the friendly arm method where the message should be clear - thank you for being here.

And when Mac leaned against him, his brain told him, "Savour the moment, Mcavoy."

* * *

_Every time you're near _

_Every time I see you smile _

_Hear your "hello" _

_Saying you can only stay a while _

The pitch meetings of the day used to be a painful exercise where they had to shift through stories to report. They checked them out for which goes first, which goes after the break, which should be ignored or saved in case something happens between now and the broadcast.

Until Mac decided to bring in News Night 2.0 and her three "I's".

And now, his whole team was full to the brim with the news they think the show should focus on. They would justify why the public needs to know this event in this state, or why they should be aware of the fuckery that's in place in another state. The pitch meetings became an arena of energised twenty-somethings believing that they can push change into the world.

And this daily event made Mackenzie smile more often than he could remember. All because this was what they wanted, what they used to dream together.

He would see her listening carefully to the pitch, explain why it should be in the A Block or why it can work, but it needs more information. Will would give a small smile whenever Mac would, once again, explain to Neal that a conspiracy theory cannot be used to justify an unexplainable item of interest. This was the environment where the two of them felt most alive.

Will's mind would drift into those lazy Saturday afternoons where Mac would draw up her ideal newscast, how she would gather the stories that should inform the public and help them make clear decisions about their future. No nonsense, ratings grabbing items which could only serve as to distract the masses or give a temporary sense of pleasure without really improving things.

"And I would be whispering words of wisdom into the earpiece of the most watched anchor in news..."

He smiled as she looked deep into his eyes.

"... Anderson Cooper."

His face fell as she was bitting her lip to keep herself from laughing. The twinkle in her eyes grew as he would reach out to her and attempt to tickle her to submission, after he managed to grab away the pillow she was using as a shield.

Those were their days once.

"Will? Will..."

He wanted those days back.

"WILL!"

Will Mcavoy found himself being stared at by his news team.

"Yes?"

Mac was now frowning at him, and sighing, asked again, "Do you think the Bernanke comment should be included in Sloan's wrap up?"

"And remember, your balls are on the line here." Sloan quipped, only to look at Neal to whisper, "Did I say that out loud?"

The conference room was silent as they all waited his answer.

"I trust you," Will finally said as he stood up and left the room.

A few seconds later, a yell - "The meeting isn't over yet!"

The second most watched anchor in news found himself going back inside, secretly enjoying the smile he was getting from the best Executive Producer in the business.

* * *

_Hey, I know that it's hard for you _

_To say the things that we both know are true _

It wasn't a secret that they were once together - Mac was responsible for that. But despite that, they both had the command and respect of a brilliant team of writers, researchers, technicians and producers who were not afraid to take risks.

The e-mail accident was now a long forgotten incident - Will just amused himself thinking that her stint in the war zone may have done some damage.

Which made him curious as to how much damage was done to her during those years.

When Charlie told him that he offered Mac the EP job, the hurt came rushing back. It wasn't helped by the fact that seeing her (or imagining her) in the Northwestern Debacle caused the viral flip out that smeared his name.

Charlie told him of what Mac did, reporting about the wars, being shot at, seeing death around her.

If this was to calm him down into accepting Mac as his EP, it wasn't working the way Charlie had hoped.

Because now he's seeing Mac doing, one, reporting the truth, which has always been her philosophy, and two, punishing herself for what she had done to him.

And there are moments where reality would merge with visuals of what happened to Mac before she came back. He would see her asking Jim to follow up on an item Tess had pitched, then it goes to her running with Jim to seek shelter from the shrapnel, to her seeking the solace of his embrace in the middle of a cold night.

Publicly, he would tell anyone who would listen that Mackenzie McHale is no longer his concern. She was the EP, he was the managing editor and anchor of the show.

Privately, he would tell himself that both of them deserve to know the truth.

Mac deserved to know why he never returned the calls or e-mails. She deserved to know what happened to him in the last years before this reunion. She deserved to know how he felt about everything.

Will deserved to know at least why Mac cheated on him. He deserved to know what he did to her to cause the cheating.

He wanted to know if he deserved another chance with her.

The two of them were in the business of knowing the truth and delivering the truth to those who deserve it. How ironic is it that they can't do the same for each other.

* * *

_Every time I hear _

_How you never want to live a lie _

_How it's gone to far _

_And you don't have to tell me why _

Dr. Habib was right. The ring was a horrible prank.

In the back of his mind, Mac wanted the research to help him out of the possible TMI stories that would come out. That was pure Mackenzie; she was always helping out the people she loved most, even though sometimes it goes wayward. She almost, always accepts 100% of the responsibility.

So how does he pay back her kindness? He buys a engagement ring, but only to mess with her.

He knows she'll manage to uncover the deal with Fox. And how, because she never found out about it, he would appear as someone who was never going to be serious about their relationship. And she would now have the upper hand of the argument of whose fault it was on the demise of their relationship. And it did go that way; she proceeded on how, now, it was his fault because he had no intention of marrying her.

That was his cue.

Will got out the box, opened it and turned it to Mac. He showed her the sparkling engagement ring, set it in front of her on his desk, and silently appreciating the stunned silence Mac was currently in.

He then told her about how he never said anything about the deal because things were not sure and he was still trying to impress her. He then remembers how he was really nervous back then, because she was right - it meant things were going to change for the two of them and he couldn't figure out a way to make things work out right for them in the end.

He didn't say anything because he didn't want to lose her.

And in the now, Mac was stunned, still absorbing the story of the deal and the ring. She had insisted on living a life that was good and pure. Except for the cheating part.

When he asked her again, she repeated it, voice mixed with anger and sadness. He saw her as she was trying to fight back those emotions, and when she composed herself, she had told him, that the engagement ring was the perfect one for proposing to someone. And then she left.

It should have felt like a small victory, but he could not remove the image of Mackenzie being sad about the whole stunt.

Dr. Habib had asked him what buying the ring meant. The young doctor could not really explain why Will had bought the ring. "It wasn't normal," he said. Habib was linking it to him being depressed.

Will knew why. Deep inside, he was still holding out that one day, Mac was the one wearing the ring. He wanted to be a part of her life, going beyond the EP - Anchor relationship. Will wanted to move on to her carrying his name, "Mackenzie Machale-McAvoy", no longer a punch line he would use to make her smile, but a reality he wanted to be in.

After the engagement ring ordeal, he brought in a bottle of wine, with the intention to make the whole night all about her, asking her how she was doing. Once, he went inside her office to ask her, but he was only greeted with her studying the statistics of the show. And up until now, it was still there, hidden away, all because they had to keep their guard up against Leona.

Almost always, their insane actions were always for each other's benefit - Mac showed hers, Will kept his. He had hoped one day, he would no longer find the need to cover up the truth.

* * *

_Why you're gone and the game is through _

_If this is what's real, if this is what's true _

Will didn't know exactly how he should rate his sessions with Dr. Habib. On one hand, he was finally getting his feelings out and someone would listen and not publicly judge him for it. (Thank the Lord for Doctor-Patient confidentiality.)

But the doctor was certainly going somewhere. Step by step, the two of them were trying to figure out how to help will out of his misery and let him live a normal life.

He also wasn't joking when he needed another filling cabinet for all the notes that concerned Will and Mac.

Dr. Habib would manage to link a past experience with Mac to something Will was aching about. Sure, there was so much in Will's past that aggravated his anxieties, but Dr. Habib would point out that there are moments where a large extent of it was attributable to Mac.

He would also point out forgiving Mac so that he could move on.

Will understood that - he knows that Mac deserves his forgiveness, that she was living a life where she was being punished for her mistake.

So why couldn't he forgive her?

Betrayal - that was Habib's simple answer. Mac cheating on him with Bryan wasn't rejection. It was betrayal, and as his numerous sessions with Dr. Habib revealed, he did not do well with betrayal. He may not have seen it right away, he may have coped with it differently, but when it was Mac who did it, a person he deeply loved, he could not accept it.

There was a considerable amount of silence between them now. Dr. Habib was waiting for him to speak, Will was putting all the things into their place.

"I have a question Will," Dr. Habib started, seeing that Will hasn't said a word.

He acknowledged with a nod.

"Should the time come that you have forgiven Mac, wholeheartedly, without bearing an grudge or anger towards her... What's next?"

Will looked at the doctor, mix of being reflective and emotional yet again.

"The reason I am asking, is that... If you forgive her, then you now have a few more forks in your road. You can chose to move on and close the chapter on Mackenzie Machale. You can chose to ask her to re-write that chapter, with her, and have a life, with her. And there will be many other ways..."

Will was still looking at the doctor.

"The question now becomes, will you be a step higher, or will you end up lower than before?"

Dr. Habib looked at Will with utmost concern. Will replied to all of his questions by burying his face into his hands.

* * *

_Don't say that, don't say that, don't say that _

_I know you're not mine any more, any way, any time _

A few minutes ago, a man openly insulted the integrity of Mackenzie Machale in front of him. If he were in the same position a year ago, he would have shrugged his shoulders and told the person to move on to the next topic.

Now, he found himself defending Mackenzie Machale. He found himself defending the team, on how they had to do down to the dumps so that they could do a debate format that deserved to be seen by everyone.

With a heavy heart, he apologised to everyone - they who worked hard on delivering the mock debate - and they all went to their daily ritual of the Casey Anthony coverage. They lost the debate, and now they still continued on doing something, just now, it was no longer for anything.

And now, he can hear Brian and Mac discussing something, Brian pointing out how weak he was and that he would cave into the desired format. And on how Will never came back to her even though she was already there.

Mac came to his defence. Mac, who had once hurt him, and now he was currently hurting with his insane actions, was there, defending him. After all this time, Will thought he deserved an awkward silence from Mac, as a form of agreement with Brian,

But there she was, defending him. He didn't deserve it, but there it was. Will wanted to help her make a point.

He saw the shiny plastic at the corner of his eye. At the end of the day, this was just one of his many insane actions - one day, it will be laughed off when recounted. With a determined resolve, Will McAvoy hopped into the scene, the struggle no longer confined in his office.

And now Mac was shouting at him. Or yelling. Or simply freaking out. He thought what he did just underscored her point.

She had started by telling him how she had thrown out everything just so they could cover Casey Anthony and Anthony Weiner. On how they all sacrificed just to be on the safe side and be able to present for the debate. And now, the debate was out of their hands because she was insulted by a guy who did not even deserve to be debated with.

It was now at the point where thoughts and feelings were escalated to an confusing level for Mac.

For Will, he was also confused. When he left that voice mail, he was sure Mac had moved on. And yet, since 5/1 and everything else in between, Mac's actions had only been for him and his benefit. All of it could only mean that it was a sign that there can be another shot at things for them.

The only problem now was, with Mac shouting at him, it came into mind that maybe she was also throwing out the News Night 2.0 philosophy for herself and her team's welfare.

He wanted to test something out.

"Remember your first day here at the BP spill?"

Mackenzie was now calm. "Yeah."

"Remember when I said, 'Throw out the rundown.'?"

Another calm "Yeah."

"Did you think that was," he shrugged, "Cool?"

Though slightly hoarse, Mac still let out an enthusiastic "Yeah!"

Triple confirmation; he had triple confirmation from the source.

"Throw out the rundown," he said, smiling at her.

And then Mac went back to panic mode, telling him that they need the numbers to protect him from Leona. Again, the reasons were all for him. What he should have said was, "Screw Leona, we're doing the news," and then proceed into whipping up the team into a frenzy of doing what they love. Instead, he gave a somewhat lame excuse that was purely Will McAvoy.

He didn't wait for her reply. He called out to Sloan and went with the debt ceiling.

Will turned back to Mac and asked if she was okay with Brian hanging out a bit more.

Of course she will be, she's Mackenzie Machale - she's handled wars, putting out a nightly news show and working with an ex. But he could not resist teasing her.

"Jellyfish."

* * *

The final repeat of the chorus was now ending. A soft knock on the glass door mixed with the instrumentals leading to the end of the track.

The door opened and Mac came in.

"We're heading out. To the restaurant, Kendra and Gary made excellent points... But not as excellent as Martin shouting he wanted to eat them right now, and the delays aren't helping... I'm here, I mean to ask... Do want to join us?"

He looked at her, wallowed in the fact that she was standing there, always in close proximity, the distance reminding him that, at the present, he wasn't hers.

_"It's not. But it can be."_

When she revealed that she was in Northwestern, and that she was never a hallucination, his thoughts were never satisfied with an outcome or an action item of what to do with Mac. Brian's words kept him thinking - how she's back in his life and he wasn't doing anything about it. Dr. Habib's challenge of "What's next?" kept him awake at night.

In the end, it would always be about the woman standing in front of him.

"Will?"

He extinguished the stub and grabbed his portfolio to fix up for the night. He was afraid to look at her.

And when he finally had the courage to do so, he sighed and said.

"Maybe next time... I'll rest for the night."

Mackenzie opened and closed her mouth, as if to convince him to change his mind. Finally, she just nodded and left.

Will looked at the door and smiled sadly to himself. Michael McDonald was never a good Friday night companion.


End file.
